It started with a dream

Yesterday morning, just before I woke up, I had a dream that would haunt me for the day. I don't remember much about the dream other than finding out my mom tried to kill my stepfather, and I was trying to out run her until the police could catch up with her. It was a silly dream, though I'm sure there's lots of hidden meanings behind it, but that's another blog post in itself! My problem wasn't the dream so much as the feelings that followed me for the rest of the day.

 When I am triggered I am flooded with feelings of being overwhelmed, agitated and depressed. Everywhere I look, I see things that I need to do, but haven't yet. My house feels dirty, my yard is a mess beyond repair, and my to do list suddenly grows to an impossible length. I become almost frantic to try and complete it. I'll spend the entire day doing tasks to chase away the overwhelmed feelings and while it may help a little, at the end of the day I can't tell you exactly what I've done. I just know I'm completely exhausted and feel like I can never get ahead.

 Getting out of the house is helpful. Out of sight, out of mind. Though, these feelings don't get left behind at home. They follow me where ever I go, there's no escape. Every interaction with another person is bound to be a failure on my part, no matter how harmless the exchange was. I always feel like I said the wrong thing, should've said more, didn't use appropriate body language, etc. Then I return home to be reminded of how far I've fallen behind.

 The emptiness I feel is likely to last a day, if I'm lucky. Sometimes it'll creep into day 2 or 3, though not as often anymore. I've discovered a few coping mechanisms that help keep me centered and from going into a downward spiral. Just being able to identify what is happening to me is useful to tame those emotions and it allows me to pause before reacting or responding to a situation. Taking the time to bring awareness to my breathing patterns is also helpful for me. I find that mindfully breathing through my abdomen brings immediate relief from anxiety, I think because I'm in the habit of unconsciously holding my breath when distressed. I find chewing gum is useful to quell mild anxiety and never leave home without a pack anymore.

 While I know there's no magic solution to stopping emotional triggers, it gets tiresome feeling like the slightest thing can derail my day. It often leads me to continue this cycle of avoidance, which in itself is exhausting and frustrating. I just want to live my life, really truly live, without fear of the monsters inside my head. This is the reality of trauma. There is no getting over it. There is no me without the shaky foundation in which I was started from.

 The goal here is to find strength in trauma. I can celebrate who I am and who I'm working to become, in spite of this unwanted legacy I was given. I am a better mother because of it. The cycle of abuse ends with me.