The Awakening

I discovered my mom is a narcissist by researching information about toxic parenting. At this point, I was well aware there was something very different about her, though I didn't know there's a term for it. I was already familiar with what a narcissist was, but never considered her to be one, mostly because of her furtive tendencies to keep her special brand of crazy under wraps and out of public eye. When I learned that not all narcs are so boisterous about their delusions of grandeur, it all started to make more sense.

 So my mother is what's called a covert narcissist. Instead of the attention seeking mannerisms of a overt narcissist, coverts tend to exhibit a quiet smugness or sense of superiority over others. They can judge others without needing to say a word but will rip you to shreds mentally in order to support the notion they're better than you. Coverts may stay quiet enough while your talking to give the impression they're listening but they've already deemed what you have to say as worthless and will display signs of inattentiveness such as eye rolling, sighing, interrupting, lack of eye contact, etc.

Coverts lack empathy, just like their overt counterparts. No matter what, everything comes back to them, how they feel, how something affects them or what they want. Your thoughts and feelings are insignificant to them. They are also easily hurt or offended. Unlike people who are just highly sensitive, narcs take offense to anything that effects their superiority complex, though they're not likely to let on that they've been hurt. They'd much rather focus on getting revenge to put you back in your place.

 They're just as self absorbed as an overt narcissist but because they possess the ability to appear as though they're listening, it's easy to miss when conversing with a covert narc. They're not listening to understand, they're pretending to listen so they can steer the conversation back to them once it's their turn to talk. The one exception to this is when you have something personal to share. Their love of drama and gleaning info to use against you later, should the need arises, allows them to suddenly use their ears.

Their ability to act passively aggressively is top notch. They may say yes to your face but will then turn around and do what ever they please anyway. Instead of expressing their discontent, they'll make verbal jabs in order to subtly punish you for a perceived infraction. That's if you're lucky, otherwise you're given the silent treatment, which is the covert's specialty. They can make you feel as though you no longer exist when handed this punishment. They can carry on for so long like this, you start to question your culpability, for no normal adult could treat you in such a fashion without such a heinous error on your part.

The worst part in dealing with a covert narc is that almost no one else sees it. It's very hard to sum up how a covert's actions have affected you because their actions are mostly subtle. They often have a carefully crafted public image, which is likely the opposite of their true nature. Of the few occasions in which I've confided in someone who already knew my mom about her behavior, I've been met with a reaction of disbelief and puzzlement. They just can't believe such a sweet, funny and laid-back person could be so intentionally cruel and undermining to their own children.

This is the plight of the narcissist's child. No one believes you, the narc never admits fault and you're left questioning your own sanity till you're left with the conclusion that it's somehow your fault.